I feel that I could write for hours trying to explain the significance of what God has done for me. But for the purposes of upbuilding and encouragement I think that something short and sweet is just the sort to treat.
A little known personal history would probably help to set the stage for those who do not know me well. For the last five years I have had a variety of knee problems. The initial issues sparked while I was still in high school while I was working at a small pet store. The first doctor initially diagnosed one condition (osteochondritis dissecans), suggesting that I had damage to the cartilage in my right knee causing a popping noise when I squatted. It was probably caused by a handful of things -- heavy lifting at work, jumping from a high spot onto concrete, my involvement in baseball and kickboxing at the time, etc. Regardless of what caused it, the doctor offered physical therapy, which helped for a bit. But the popping never really went away. I would try stints of physical therapy twice more over the next few years with the same result that the immediate pain would temporarily alleviate but no doctor could find what the real cause was.
Fast forward a few years to three months ago. I started having knee pain again, but different and more severe than before. On a trip home to Northern California I saw a new orthopedist, who initially didn't have an explanation. That was until he saw the new MRI that showed that I had a complex medial meniscus tear. Again, the offer was physical therapy and pain medication. But this time surgery was offered as a permanent solution.
Surgery meant I would have to uproot myself from the niche I've made here and move home. For a while I felt like whether or not I stayed or moved was dependent on whether I went for the surgery or begged God to heal me.
Two weeks ago, I approached a friend on the Rock Harbor Fullerton prayer team about getting prayer for my knee after the service. He grabbed one or two guys who grabbed a couple more and before I knew it, a half dozen brothers in Christ were intensely beseeching the Lord on my behalf while I sat perched on a speaker. It was powerful and it was impacting. Apart from my knee, it helped to clear up some of the issues with which I had been dealing, especially with regard to God showing the path he has for me in moving or not moving home. God healing me or not healing me would not inhibit or determine the plan that he has for my life.
I got home from Rock Harbor that night and realized, my knee didn't really hurt. It felt kinda loose and weak, but I really didn't have any pain. The next day I got up and walked to work completely pain free. I had been in a small car accident the week before that let me without a means of getting to work except for my own two feet. God brought me to the lowest point, walking three miles a day on an injured knee, dealing with aching pain. And then he healed me.
I've been pain free since that day. Every passing day my knee seems to get stronger. I had always been a skeptic, and still am about many things. But God can and does heal, no doubt about it. I desire to live every day in a relationship with this God who loves me, this God who healed me. What faith I had before has been revolutionized in light of how I have seen God tangibly work in my life. Because of that I feel comfortable just sitting, basking in the love of the Father.
Again, this is my prayer:
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Spiritual Therapy
Tonight was a bit of a rough night for me. And while I've wrapped my mind around most of it, maybe writing about it all will help it to coalesce. If you've bumped into me in the last few weeks or asked how I am or how things are, you probably regularly got the response, "busy" or "tired". And that's the truth. I feel like I've given that response a thousand times. Somehow between all the work, church, and sleep, the peril of my present situation never really sunk in. Well, that changed tonight.
I took a trip home a week ago, 389 miles, to the east bay area in northern California. For one, I wanted to visit family and friends, to spend quality time. Second, and probably of more eminent importance, I went to get my knee checked out by an orthopedist. The appointment was a long time coming, so we were prepared for it, even clearing authorization for an MRI with insurance before the appointment itself. Over the last two months, my knee has been bothering me more and more -- a little more aching, a little more pain; a little more popping, a little more locking. More and more to the point that it was the worst it had felt in over three years. I've had many appointments and doctor's meetings in the past. Every one of them has given a different diagnosis but always recommended the same remedy--anti-inflammatories and physical therapy. Each time the pain would go away but the popping would remain. After three bouts of physical therapy, the treatment has gotten stale. At some level it seems like a diagnosis on par with 16th century physicians suggesting blood-letting for most illnesses. In other words, "I don't know what's wrong with it, but maybe this will do something."
After the preliminary X-rays, this doctor didn't have a conclusive answer either. But, being prepared, we went ahead with the MRI. The following Monday, now back in southern California, I got a voicemail message from the orthopedist with his and the radiologist's diagnosis. I had torn my medial meniscus. Both of my parents have had surgery on their menisci before, so it's familiar territory. He laid out a few possible options for treatment. First, the usual dose of physical therapy and regimen of anti-inflammatories (how original!). Then there's the surgical option. It's a very real option and a strong possibility.
I've been trying since Monday to get in touch with the orthopedist, to talk to him directly and ask questions about the severity of the tear and overarching prognosis. As with most doctors, he has been more than difficult to get in contact with. I would appreciate a returned call given how much is riding on his diagnosis and recommendations.
And there really is a lot riding on it. Getting surgery on my meniscus means rehabilitation and recovery. It means time off work. Simply put, I wouldn't be able to afford to live in southern California if I had this surgery. I would have to move home. And that reality tore me up tonight. I'm not attached to my job too much. But I'm finally getting involved in Rock Harbor and forging a group of friend. Moving home means that I'm closer to my family and certain friends. It means I would be able to go to the seminary that my former church is starting up. There are opportunities there that interest me. But I'm torn between the two options and the lack of clarity as to what I should do ate me up tonight.
I went to a prayer training meeting on Thursday night. There was opportunity to pray for one another, so naturally I asked for prayer about my knee and for clarity on the current situation. The consequence was not greater clarity, but rather a medium with which to measure my options. I believe that God can heal. I believe that God can heal me. I believe that God can heal the tear in my meniscus. I still need to talk to the orthopedist directly, but it has added a wrinkle to my decision making. If God heals my knee, I will stay in southern California and pursue finding a full time job while getting more involved at Rock Harbor. If not, I'll move back to northern California, likely to undergo surgery to repair my knee.
That reality hit me like a truck tonight. What a weight! Leaving my job, leaving my friends, leaving the life that has manifested down here -- all dependent on God healing my knee! It brought me almost to tears, not because I'm afraid of one thing happening or the other, but out of frustration that I do not know what will happen. Talking with John helped calm me down and think through it all. He asked directly, "what do you want?" The truth is that I would be okay with either situation. I desire to do the will of God. I want my desires and thoughts to line up with his desires and thoughts. I want my wants to be the same as what God wants for my life. But to want the same things I have to know what God wants for my life. And the only way I'll know that is if God heals my knee! It's frustrating beyond belief. But that's where I am right now--a time of waiting and transition, "yearning for grace and hoping for peace."
"I ask for the grace I want; here I ask Our Lord for grace not to be deaf to His call, but alert to fulfill His most holy will to the best of my ability." - Ignatius of Loyola
I took a trip home a week ago, 389 miles, to the east bay area in northern California. For one, I wanted to visit family and friends, to spend quality time. Second, and probably of more eminent importance, I went to get my knee checked out by an orthopedist. The appointment was a long time coming, so we were prepared for it, even clearing authorization for an MRI with insurance before the appointment itself. Over the last two months, my knee has been bothering me more and more -- a little more aching, a little more pain; a little more popping, a little more locking. More and more to the point that it was the worst it had felt in over three years. I've had many appointments and doctor's meetings in the past. Every one of them has given a different diagnosis but always recommended the same remedy--anti-inflammatories and physical therapy. Each time the pain would go away but the popping would remain. After three bouts of physical therapy, the treatment has gotten stale. At some level it seems like a diagnosis on par with 16th century physicians suggesting blood-letting for most illnesses. In other words, "I don't know what's wrong with it, but maybe this will do something."
After the preliminary X-rays, this doctor didn't have a conclusive answer either. But, being prepared, we went ahead with the MRI. The following Monday, now back in southern California, I got a voicemail message from the orthopedist with his and the radiologist's diagnosis. I had torn my medial meniscus. Both of my parents have had surgery on their menisci before, so it's familiar territory. He laid out a few possible options for treatment. First, the usual dose of physical therapy and regimen of anti-inflammatories (how original!). Then there's the surgical option. It's a very real option and a strong possibility.
I've been trying since Monday to get in touch with the orthopedist, to talk to him directly and ask questions about the severity of the tear and overarching prognosis. As with most doctors, he has been more than difficult to get in contact with. I would appreciate a returned call given how much is riding on his diagnosis and recommendations.
And there really is a lot riding on it. Getting surgery on my meniscus means rehabilitation and recovery. It means time off work. Simply put, I wouldn't be able to afford to live in southern California if I had this surgery. I would have to move home. And that reality tore me up tonight. I'm not attached to my job too much. But I'm finally getting involved in Rock Harbor and forging a group of friend. Moving home means that I'm closer to my family and certain friends. It means I would be able to go to the seminary that my former church is starting up. There are opportunities there that interest me. But I'm torn between the two options and the lack of clarity as to what I should do ate me up tonight.
I went to a prayer training meeting on Thursday night. There was opportunity to pray for one another, so naturally I asked for prayer about my knee and for clarity on the current situation. The consequence was not greater clarity, but rather a medium with which to measure my options. I believe that God can heal. I believe that God can heal me. I believe that God can heal the tear in my meniscus. I still need to talk to the orthopedist directly, but it has added a wrinkle to my decision making. If God heals my knee, I will stay in southern California and pursue finding a full time job while getting more involved at Rock Harbor. If not, I'll move back to northern California, likely to undergo surgery to repair my knee.
That reality hit me like a truck tonight. What a weight! Leaving my job, leaving my friends, leaving the life that has manifested down here -- all dependent on God healing my knee! It brought me almost to tears, not because I'm afraid of one thing happening or the other, but out of frustration that I do not know what will happen. Talking with John helped calm me down and think through it all. He asked directly, "what do you want?" The truth is that I would be okay with either situation. I desire to do the will of God. I want my desires and thoughts to line up with his desires and thoughts. I want my wants to be the same as what God wants for my life. But to want the same things I have to know what God wants for my life. And the only way I'll know that is if God heals my knee! It's frustrating beyond belief. But that's where I am right now--a time of waiting and transition, "yearning for grace and hoping for peace."
"I ask for the grace I want; here I ask Our Lord for grace not to be deaf to His call, but alert to fulfill His most holy will to the best of my ability." - Ignatius of Loyola
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