Spiritual Therapy

Tonight was a bit of a rough night for me. And while I've wrapped my mind around most of it, maybe writing about it all will help it to coalesce. If you've bumped into me in the last few weeks or asked how I am or how things are, you probably regularly got the response, "busy" or "tired". And that's the truth. I feel like I've given that response a thousand times. Somehow between all the work, church, and sleep, the peril of my present situation never really sunk in. Well, that changed tonight.

I took a trip home a week ago, 389 miles, to the east bay area in northern California. For one, I wanted to visit family and friends, to spend quality time. Second, and probably of more eminent importance, I went to get my knee checked out by an orthopedist. The appointment was a long time coming, so we were prepared for it, even clearing authorization for an MRI with insurance before the appointment itself. Over the last two months, my knee has been bothering me more and more -- a little more aching, a little more pain; a little more popping, a little more locking. More and more to the point that it was the worst it had felt in over three years. I've had many appointments and doctor's meetings in the past. Every one of them has given a different diagnosis but always recommended the same remedy--anti-inflammatories and physical therapy. Each time the pain would go away but the popping would remain. After three bouts of physical therapy, the treatment has gotten stale. At some level it seems like a diagnosis on par with 16th century physicians suggesting blood-letting for most illnesses. In other words, "I don't know what's wrong with it, but maybe this will do something."

After the preliminary X-rays, this doctor didn't have a conclusive answer either. But, being prepared, we went ahead with the MRI. The following Monday, now back in southern California, I got a voicemail message from the orthopedist with his and the radiologist's diagnosis. I had torn my medial meniscus. Both of my parents have had surgery on their menisci before, so it's familiar territory. He laid out a few possible options for treatment. First, the usual dose of physical therapy and regimen of anti-inflammatories (how original!). Then there's the surgical option. It's a very real option and a strong possibility.

I've been trying since Monday to get in touch with the orthopedist, to talk to him directly and ask questions about the severity of the tear and overarching prognosis. As with most doctors, he has been more than difficult to get in contact with. I would appreciate a returned call given how much is riding on his diagnosis and recommendations.

And there really is a lot riding on it. Getting surgery on my meniscus means rehabilitation and recovery. It means time off work. Simply put, I wouldn't be able to afford to live in southern California if I had this surgery. I would have to move home. And that reality tore me up tonight. I'm not attached to my job too much. But I'm finally getting involved in Rock Harbor and forging a group of friend. Moving home means that I'm closer to my family and certain friends. It means I would be able to go to the seminary that my former church is starting up. There are opportunities there that interest me. But I'm torn between the two options and the lack of clarity as to what I should do ate me up tonight.

I went to a prayer training meeting on Thursday night. There was opportunity to pray for one another, so naturally I asked for prayer about my knee and for clarity on the current situation. The consequence was not greater clarity, but rather a medium with which to measure my options. I believe that God can heal. I believe that God can heal me. I believe that God can heal the tear in my meniscus. I still need to talk to the orthopedist directly, but it has added a wrinkle to my decision making. If God heals my knee, I will stay in southern California and pursue finding a full time job while getting more involved at Rock Harbor. If not, I'll move back to northern California, likely to undergo surgery to repair my knee.

That reality hit me like a truck tonight. What a weight! Leaving my job, leaving my friends, leaving the life that has manifested down here -- all dependent on God healing my knee! It brought me almost to tears, not because I'm afraid of one thing happening or the other, but out of frustration that I do not know what will happen. Talking with John helped calm me down and think through it all. He asked directly, "what do you want?" The truth is that I would be okay with either situation. I desire to do the will of God. I want my desires and thoughts to line up with his desires and thoughts. I want my wants to be the same as what God wants for my life. But to want the same things I have to know what God wants for my life. And the only way I'll know that is if God heals my knee! It's frustrating beyond belief. But that's where I am right now--a time of waiting and transition, "yearning for grace and hoping for peace."

"I ask for the grace I want; here I ask Our Lord for grace not to be deaf to His call, but alert to fulfill His most holy will to the best of my ability." - Ignatius of Loyola